The Window of Tolerance: A guide for the emotional weather of sobriety
For many of us walking the sober path, the emotional landscape can feel unpredictable. One moment we’re grounded and peaceful, the next, we’re in a storm – gripped by anxiety, frustration, numbness, or overwhelm. We wonder, “Why am I reacting so strongly? Haven’t I come far enough to be past this?”
It feels a bit like you are failing but you aren’t – you are feeling your feelings. There’s a simple framework that can help us understand this: the window of tolerance.
What is the window of tolerance?
Coined by Dr Dan Siegel, the “window of tolerance” describes the sweet spot of emotional intensity and nervous system balance where a person can function effectively. Inside this window, you're able to:
• Think clearly
• Feel your feelings without being consumed by them
• Respond instead of react
• Stay present with yourself and others
In sobriety and especially early on, this window can shrink (mine was minute). Years of numbing with alcohol may have dulled your capacity to sit with discomfort. But with time, and practice, that capacity grows. Awareness and emotional regulation help widen the window.
Outside the window: Two common survival states
When life pushes us outside that ideal, optimal window, we move into survival mode – not by choice, but by biology.
Hyperarousal (fight or flight)
Feels like: anxiety, panic, anger, impulsiveness, racing thoughts
What’s happening: your sympathetic nervous system takes over. Stress hormones flood the system. You're primed to defend or escape.
In sobriety, this might show itself during conflict, unexpected change, or even joy that feels too much, too soon.
Hypoarousal (freeze or collapse)
Feels like: numbness, dissociation, fogginess, disconnection, fatigue
What’s happening: your nervous system powers down in an attempt to protect you. You may feel like you're watching life from a distance.
This is often misunderstood. Many people in long-term recovery feel ashamed of their flatness. But this, too, is a natural response to having been overwhelmed for too long.
Sobriety and the shifting window
Early sobriety often feels like your window of tolerance is the size of a postage stamp. The tiniest thing can send you into panic or shutdown. It makes sense - alcohol was your nervous system’s regulator. Not a healthy one, but a reliable one.
Now you’re building regulation from within.
The real work of sobriety is not about forcing calm it’s learning to notice, feel, and return. That means working with your window, not against it.
How to stay within your window
Here are some simple ways to support and expand your window over time:
Name what you’re feeling
Language creates distance. Use simple words:
• “I feel angry.”
• “I’m shutting down.”
• “This feels too big.”
Naming the state helps the brain re-engage the thinking part of itself.
Breathe to regulate
Slow breaths signal safety to your nervous system. Try:
• Box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)
• Longer exhales (inhale 4, exhale 6)
Ground yourself in the present
When your body senses threat, grounding helps.
• Notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste (this is a personal favourite of mine)
• Place your hands on your heart and your belly for several minutes and breathe
• Sit in a chair with your sit bones against the chair back and your feet on the floor. Put your hands on the table in front of you. Breathe
Connect with other people who feel safe
Regulation often happens in relationship. Call someone. Text a coach. Sit with a trusted friend. You don’t need to solve anything - but let someone in.
Coaching: Tuning into the window
In coaching, I often help clients build their own “emotional maps” – gentle ways of tracking whether they're in, near, or outside their window. Over time, you learn to recognise:
• What expands your window (sunlight, rest, music, connection)
• What shrinks it (scrolling, sugar crashes, unresolved shame)
• What warns you you're about to tip (tight chest, zoning out, irritability)
Getting pushed outside your window isn’t failure. It’s feedback.
You’re not broken. You’re rebuilding.
If you’ve been alcohol-free for six months or more, you’ve probably already felt flashes of clarity and calm – that’s you in your window. And you’ve likely felt wobbly or had moments of emotional overload or flat detachment. There is no good or bad. It’s all okay.
Healing isn’t about never wobbling. The wobbling is your nervous system working! Healing is about recognising the wobble, not fearing it, and knowing how to steady yourself again.
Every time you breathe through it, every time you pause instead of react, every time you say, “I’m not okay, but I’m still here,” you stretch your window. You expand your capacity to feel, to love and to live.
Final words
I find the window of tolerance framework really helpful. It reminds us that we are built to feel. That discomfort doesn’t mean danger. That presence is a skill, and a practice.
Long-term sobriety isn’t about perfection – far from it - it’s about becoming someone who knows how to come home to themselves, again and again.
So the next time you’re swinging high or sinking low, pause. Breathe. And say to yourself:
“This is my nervous system trying to protect me. I’m learning to guide it home.”
Dr Dan Siegel is a psychiatrist, author, and the man behind the “Window of Tolerance,” Mindsight, and something called the Wheel of Awareness. He writes about brains, parenting, and what it means to be a functional human being in a way that makes you feel completely seen.
